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.In The Zone
. .Emotional Chaos
. ..Number 9.
. .September 11
b
Emotional
Chaos
Weekly
Column by Brian Codagnone
February
27, 2004
MAIL CALL
Today we're going to dip into the old mail bag to answer questions from you, the great unwashed... I mean general public. This is a time honored literary device, used mostly when the author can't think of anything interesting to write about, or spent the night drinking and is now facing both a deadline and a hangover. Shakespeare famously exploited this technique in "The Podiatrist of Sutton", Act II, Scene III:
Bongo:"Whence twather in the door'yard prevailed, dids't thou ponder where ponces flame?"
Frostcake: "Let us quibble not, nor scenery chew! Rather into the missives shall we dip, and from the canvas maw withdraw a query! Lebron of Blankstare writes, 'Prithee, what's the story with Hamlet?' A fair question! Surely he is with issues plagued, but I would recommend him dealing with it."
And, of course, in Hemingway's "The Sun Also Rises", The narrator, Jake Barnes, begins the story by talking about his past to Robert Cohn, an aspiring writer. This gets pretty boring by chapter 3, so Barnes, a newspaper correspondent, decides to liven up the action by "responding to a sample of the dispatches from Paris"...
"Dear Jake: I met a young bullfighter in Madrid. I'm inflamed with passion, but ever since I lost my generation I can't bring myself to care. Signed: Wanda"
"Dear Wanda: Who gives a damn? I need a drink."
And so on. So, without further ado, let's check out the mail. After all, who are we to argue with such great writers?
Enid Gargoyle of Stutter, Alberta writes, "Have you ever thought of doing a column devoted to Jello molds? I have the largest collection of Jello molds outside of Nebraska, and always enjoy good Jello mold talk!"
Dear Enid: No. But, by an extraordinary coincidence, our next letter is about Jello molds.
Jasper Wyoming, of Anubisburg, Pennsylvania writes: "I sell factory second Jello molds. You know, the kind that will still make a fine dessert, but aren't up to Jello's strict standards. I mean, with a little whipped cream no one will know, and you'll save a bundle over so-called 'perfect' Jello molds. Oh, yes, we also sell factory second swizzle sticks, but that's a story for another day!"
Indeed it is, Jasper, indeed it is...
Otis Sanguine, of Hellbound, Mississippi writes, "Just yesterday, I drove my Chevy to the levee, and not only wasn't the levee dry, but the mud sucked my Chevy right in. I don't care about the car, but I'd really like to recover the Paladin lunchbox my wife was holding in her lap when the car sank. Anyway, can I sue Don McLean?"
Well, Otis, we think you have a strong case against Don McLean. The only problem is, he hasn't worked in thirty years, so it might be tough to get a judgement. We suggest suing Chevrolet instead, for not including a warning about driving off levees in the owner's manual.
Bosco Snapple writes: "I think it's time we recognized the enormous contribution to the science of optics and astronomy made by those great 17th century Dutch scientists Aanders Flemloosen and Naaked van der Slugg. They've been neglected too long, overshadowed by flashier, or "sexier" if you will, scientists like Newton and Leeuwenhoek! I think they're just as important, and I'll personally strangle anyone who disagrees!"
Lest you think Bosco is just some run of the mill nut, you should know that he's Associate Professor of Theoretical Lunacy at Greenblatt Junior College (formerly Greenblatt Junior College and Idiot Depository) and holder of the prestigious Norman Bates Chair in Irrationality. A run of the mill nut would be someone like Basil Zapf of of New Palsy, New York. Basil says, "These days people are always talking about 'values' and 'what's important'. Well, I have MY priorities straight! For me the most important things in my life are full contact yodeling, followed by baseball, my family, eating lard, albino taunting, faith, watching videos of classic test patterns and twisting small animals. If more people had their lives together the world wouldn't be the way it is, I tell you!"
No arguments from us, Basil.
Of course, no letters column would be complete without someone complaining about a previous column. Rula Alpo had this to say about our column, "You Are What You Eat"...
"You wrote that 'Rock Salt Diet' founder Dr. J. Hoople Gildersleeve claimed, 'Rock salt is the perfect food! Not only is it totally free of fat, cholesterol and carbohydrates, the increase in blood pressure will melt away those unwanted pounds!' Well, I tried it and not only didn't I lose weight, but I had an uncontrollable desire to lie in the driveway!"
Sorry, Rula. No refunds. The rest of you, keep those letters coming!
Brian's column
is available for your publication.
Call us at
978.459.1636
Or e-mail Brian directly
©2003 Brian Codagnone
All rights reserved. Redistribution in whole or in part prohibited.
2 Courthouse Lane, Chelmsford,
MA, USA 01824
978-459-1636
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