Remake sept 10

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Weekly Column by Brian Codagnone

SEPTEMBER 10, 2010

WORST... REMAKE... EVER

Which one you ask, with so many to choose from? I had the misfortune of watching the remake of the 1975 cult favorite Rollerball the other night. "How bad was it?", you continue to ask, and it's starting to get annoying. Even worse than the embarrassing "Pink Panther", the pointless "Ladykillers", the overblown "Italian Job", the totally unnecessary "Psycho", or the all midget version of "Lawrence of Arabia". Okay, I made that one up, but if it does get made I want points against the gross. Of course, can't say it's definitely the worst. I never saw the new version of "The Day The Earth Stood Still" starring that master thespian Keanu Reeves. Reeves bears a striking resemblance to Chris Klein, the star of this film. Maybe Klein will get tabbed to star in "Speed 3: Going Through The Motions". And I'm not counting movies based on TV shows, nearly all of which have been a total waste of time, space and natural resources (Maverick, Bewitched, Miami Vice, The Honeymooners, Lost in Space, and the worst of all, The Wild, Wild West). And that doesn't even count bad sequels, although this makes "Slap Shot 2: Breaking the Ice" look like "Casablanca" in comparison.

Unlike the original, where a real sport in an undated future deteriorates into a savage death game, in this version it starts out as a trash sport, sort of a cross between professional wrestling and "American Gladiators" (in addition to protective helmets several players wear bizarre masks and one even wears a ballet tutu. Somewhere Jonathan E and Moonpie are weeping). Lording over it all, in a radical departure in casting, is an oily heavy played by Jean Reno. I guess there are no French cops in Kazakhstan or Dogpatchistan, or whatever wretched former Soviet Republic it takes place in, but there are plenty of corrupt ones. And corrupt industrialists. And corrupt politicians, especially the Minister of Wretchedness, the highest ranking official in town judging by the look of the place. I'll bet even the Girl Scouts are corrupt, running rigged cookie drives. Since the league circuit isn't exactly on the tourist "must see" list, the games are broadcast worldwide on a sports mega-station. Sport, spectacle, and advertising blur into, like ESPN on steroids. Despite being a violent contact sport it's played by both men and women (who, in the anything goes future world of 2005 share the same locker room and showers). And Our Hero turned down a chance to play in the NHL to do this in some Godforsaken mining town that was straight out of "Outland"? Who wouldn't? Maybe it was the shower thing after all. At least LL Cool J took the gig (the character, not the actor. There can be only one reason why the actor did it, unless hostages or sex tapes involving livestock were involved) rather than become an accountant. No kidding. He'd rather get his brains beaten out in front of a crowd of shrieking, malodorous, drunken miners than do people's taxes. On second thought, who can blame him? Of course, with this experience he could get a gig as an IRS auditor. The token Western stars lend the sport credibility (or as much credibility a sport where players wear harlequin masks and tutus can have), so they make big bucks and drive hot cars while most of the players do it for a bowl of borscht. What would they spend the money on, anyway? Cheap vodka, dangerous drugs, diseased hookers, all the usual "Life is Nasty, Brutish and Short" diversions that make mining towns so attractive. And overpriced Girl Scout cookies, or else, Boris.

And, of course, it's shot music video style so Dramamine and earplugs are necessary. And this from the guy who directed both "Hunt for Red October and the remake of "The Thomas Crown Affair"*. To their credit, unlike the original, in the exotic Blade Runner world of 2005 no one will be wearing flared collars and bell bottoms. Maybe they haven't hit Kazakhstan yet...

Anyway, in case you want to watch it or are doing a long stretch in a Turkish prison and it's the only video besides "Midnight Express" on your cell block's Netflix list, I won't give out any spoilers. The producers of this movie already did that.

*He also did "Die Hard" and "Die Hard With a Vengeance". Lesser lights directed the others; "Die Hard 2", "Live Free or Die Hard", "Will You Die Hard Already?" and "Are You Dead Hard Yet?" Yippee-ki-yay....

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