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Weekly Column by Brian Codagnone

DECEMBER 17, 2010

SCREEN PLAY

I don't think there's anyone out there who hasn't at one time or another thought about writing a screenplay that would, of course, be turned into a Hollywood blockbuster. Maybe in Tinseltown any young mechanic can be a panic (depending on his pan), but it takes effort, talent and luck to write the next Oscar winning script. But Hollywood success has it's rewards, as with Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, whose "Good Will Hunting" won multiple awards including two Oscars. On the down side it launched the acting career of Ben Affleck. The universe has a strange way of maintaining balance, wouldn't you say?

We've done some research and found the following screenplays just begging to be made. If there are any Hollywood moguls out there looking for fresh new ideas, you probably don't have much of a future as a Hollywood mogul.

"Olympic"
The story of RMS Titanic's sister ship (official slogan: "Hey, at least we managed to cross the ocean without sinking"), from her launching in 1911 until being struck from the rolls in 1935. Since the "Star Crossed Lovers" thing has been done to death, and without the ship's sinking to add drama, it really hasn't the same glamour as "Titanic" (Jack and Rose moved to New Jersey and opened a hardware store where they lived until he died of a heart attack, after which Rose moved to Florida). So, to make it interesting they had to introduce Olympic's evil twin, Satanic as the antagonist.

"Doomed from the Start"
Not a disaster flick, "Doomed from the Start", is a romantic comedy. Envisioned as a reunion vehicle for "Gigli" stars Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, the title refers to the chances of it ever being made.

"Larry Porter and the Magician's Rock"
Though deemed "too derivative, even for Hollywood" they plan to make it anyway. Rather than risk legal action, the rewrite is called a "A Nebraska Wizard in King Edward's Court", as Mark Twain is dead and not likely to sue. It follows the adventures of a young wizard as he graduates wizard school after ten or twenty years (about the age the Harry Potter kids will be when they finally graduate in their last film, "Harry Potter and the Broken Hip", slated for release in 2025) and goes back in time to help King Edward the Longshanks defeat William Wallace.

"Schindler's List: The Musical"
The less said about that one the better...

"Mon Fromage Pathetique"
Set in France in the early 1970s, it's the poignant (or pungent, depending on who you ask) story of a young, idealistic cheesemaker who yearns to make it in the big city. He moves to Paris, meets the woman of his dreams and opens a cheese shop. But, after botulism kills Jim Morrison, he becomes part of a coverup that leads to his undoing. A broken man, he returns alone to his small village and never again makes cheese.

"It's Pat! II: Down Pat"
Because both of the people who went to see the original demanded it! Hey, if the first one got made anything can happen, right?

"Pale Writer"
The inspiring tale about an albino who rejects the traditional albino occupation of assassin and instead aspires to be a journalist. He faces prejudice not only from the traditional media but threats from the albino community at large (being made up largely of assassins, they're well armed). He prevails, though, and goes on to become President of Fox News. Based on a true story.

"Manatee"
A horror movie about a giant mutant manatee that terrorizes a small Maine town. While slated for production in 2002, the project was delayed by a lawsuit from Stephen King, who claimed exclusive rights to all stories about small towns in Maine being terrorized by supernatural or mutant beings.

"The Age of Disinclination"
Based on the novel by either Jane Austen or Thomas Hardy this study of genteel English country life in the early 19th century would be a perfect vehicle for Kate Winslet and the guy in "Bridget Jones" who isn't Hugh Grant. Or maybe the Farrelly Brothers, just to liven things up.

"The Kelp Diaries"
An animated family flick about life in the sea as seen through the eyes of a clump of kelp. If kelp had eyes and was cute and cuddly this baby would be in Pixar's hands before you could say "Robin Williams".

"The Unnatural"
The story of a young baseball player who, on his way to fame and fortune is shot by a deranged fan. He returns as a soulless zombie, and is, of course, immediately signed by the Yankees. Tasked with hitting a home run to win the big game, he instead eats the umpire's brain and the Yankees lose. Serves them right.

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