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.In The Zone . .Emotional Chaos . ..Number 9. . .September 11

Emotional Chaos
Weekly Column by Brian Codagnone

January 27, 2006

IS THAT A PROBE IN YOUR POCKET? OR, ROSWELL THAT ENDS WELL

As we discussed in our last column, the late forties saw the dawn of a new era of paranoia -as if the Cold War wasn't reason enough - involving the sudden appearance of "UFOs". Ground Zero for this sort of thing was a small town in New Mexico called "Roswell" (which, for the record, still is. To the residents' credit, they didn't do something stupid like change the name of the town to "Spacetown USA", "Alienville" or "Spock").

There was at a later time a spate of sightings a continent away, in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. But, as no one lives there, we turn to a spate of sightings a continent away in the other direction. In the early 1960s, there was a rash of UFO sightings in New Hampshire, especially in the White Mountain regions. Why? Given the population of New Hampshire at the time, it fits the pattern of chosen contactees. Now that southern New Hampshire is overrun with economic refugees fleeing Massachusetts, the UFO sightings have dropped off precipitously. More than coincidence? We think not. But that's a story for another day.

A pattern has emerged, but the question is why? Is there a method to their madness? Are they trying to keep us guessing? Unless they choose to make a bold statement like blowing up the White House (as in "Independence Day"), or landing in Times Square (although who'd know, if you've been to Times Square lately), the aliens always try to maintain a low profile that borders on anti-socialism. Why are the folks who have "Close Encounters" with "UFOs", usually after a "Night of Drinking" and "Sex with Lurleen" in the "Bed of the Pickup"? a prime target for such encounters? Let's look a the most common "contactee" and "abductee" profile. They generally:

Live in the middle of nowhere.
Live in a trailer or shotgun shack (never a ranch in the suburbs, a condo or even a McMansion).
Earn a living in a field that requires no more than a third grade education.
Rarely possess a full complement of teeth.
Don't mind discussing their rectal probes on daytime TV talk shows.

We decided to seek out some of these people to find out their take on the situation. One such person is Mehitable Sangfroid, of Dungheap, Nevada, who lives in a double wide in the desert and makes crafts out of tin cans and old rattlesnakes. Mehitable writes, "UFOs land here all the time". It's getting so I'm going to have to start charging for the probings. That's why I moved to Nevada. You can do that here."

Another famous case involved Billy Bob Crisco, a highway scraper in Lemmingston, New Hampshire, who claims to have been abducted in 1964. He's agreed to tell his story for a case of Budweiser and a used "Playboy".

"I was comin' home from a NASCAR support group, drivin' down Route 93, where I do most of my best animal scrapin', when I seen this real bright glowing light up ahead. I figured it was one of them UFOs I was hearin' so much about, so I went to see what was goin' on. The next thing I remember I woke up in an artist's loft in Paris with no recollection of the past three years. I guess I had a one man show in Montmartre, but it met with poor critical reviews so I came home".

Under hypnosis, however, a very different tale emerged. Billy Bob left his pickup to investigate the mysterious object. It was a glowing, spherical craft manned by beings he called "strangely carnival like", with small bodies, large heads, dark, blank eyes and matching silver jumpsuits. They told him telepathically not to be afraid and them probed him until dawn. He woke up in his truck and went to work. The whole Paris thing turned out to be an implanted memory, although the critics could have been kinder.

So we have to ask ourselves two important questions: One, will the aliens someday openly make contact with us? And two, did we finish off that leftover chicken in the fridge? That would go really good with a cold beer right about now. Sorry, I mean two, is there an active government cover-up of the whole thing? And why? I'd answer that, but I said there would be two questions.

One thing is certain. The authorities acted quickly to deny the early reports of crashed "flying saucers", alien corpses and missing witnesses. In fact, many newspapers carried an AP story that said: "Reports of flying saucers whizzing through the sky fell off sharply today as the army and the navy began a concentrated campaign to stop the rumors."

It was quite effective. Just ask Cletus.

EMOTIONAL CHAOS ARCHIVES

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