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The Cartoonists ..In The Zone . .Emotional Chaos . .Number 9

Weekly Column by Brian Codagnone

AUGUST 10, 2010

NOT JUST THE FACTS, MA'AM

I want to be a TV cop.

With the exception of the dozens of "Law and Order" franchises (most of which seem to have starred Chris Noth at some point), where most of the cops act like cops in manner and dress and the lawyers act like lawyers right down to the slime trail, many TV cops:

Drive cool, cherry vintage cars that always have whatever they need in the trunk and never need to stop for gas. And no matter how many bullets get shot into them they're fixed and ready to go by the next day. I wonder how many mechanics keep a supply of tail lights for a 1968 Camaro in stock? Maybe they know a steady customer when they see one.

They can transfer from one city or department to another without any loss of rank, seniority, pension status, etc., whenever they need a change of venue because they shot the wrong guy, crossed their boss once too often or just couldn't handle the pressure of the job.

They never have an unsolved case, except for one way back when that still haunts them. Of course, they finally solve it.

When off duty they hang out in bars where the bartender is a colorful character, a hot blonde or a grizzled ex-cop. They also behave in colorful, eccentric ways, either playing the blues, exotic animal barbecuing, competitive yodeling or something else that real people rarely do.

They wear stylish yet slightly rebellious clothes, which, of course, annoys their superiors. They also leave their badges clipped to their belts because it looks so cool, although it's a dead giveaway on an undercover assignment.

Speaking of which, they also go undercover a lot and can play any role better than Brad Pitt. Some are realistic undercover gigs; drug dealer, fence, hit man, but you know a show is on the downhill slide when one of the characters goes undercover as a stripper. Especially if it's Detective Sipowicz, but the less said about that the better. Along those lines, I remember watching an episode of CSI where we're told that the redhead was a stripper before she became a detective. Repeatedly. But, what else can an exotic dancer do when she gets too old to swing around a pole besides join an elite police unit? If I've heard it once I've heard it a dozen times. On CSI, anyway.

Of course, it's not uncommon for them to give up colorful careers to become a cop. "I can't believe you gave up being head of neurosurgery at Princeton-Plainsboro and being Poet Laureate of New Jersey to become a cop!" The grizzled ex-cop bartender marvels as he pours a straight bourbon (they never get drunk, either, no matter how much booze the pour down their maws to relieve the pressure of the job).

"I just felt I had to give back." The cop replies, never mentioning that being a rookie patrolman pays a lot less than being a brain surgeon, but hey, that's the price you pay when you feel you have to give back. I have no idea what being Poet Laureate of New Jersey pays, if anything.

They shoot guns that never need to be reloaded or cleaned and can be tossed around without sustaining any damage. And the backup piece in their ankle holster can stop a moose despite apparently weighing as much as a child's squirt gun. And when they shoot, they either shoot to kill or inflict a flesh wound. They sometimes get shot themselves, but no matter, there's no gunshot wound so serious that it can't be treated by putting your arm in a sling. Plus you get to exchange witty yet sexually charged banter with the hot young Emergency Room doctor. They also banter with the sassy yet world weary coroner who's seen it all and can figure out the cause of death even if the only body part left is a shred of small intestine, but it never goes anyplace.

They only see their ex-wives to exchange acrid banter and perhaps drop off some barbecued giraffe for the kids so they know they still have a father who wants to shield them from the ugliness he sees every day. And while they never get too close to anyone, they generally date hot soccer moms with smart aleck kids who are wise beyond their years, so it's no wonder their wives left them. That and the pressure of the job.

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