49. Who you Gonna Call?

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Weekly Column by Brian Codagnone

February 10, 2012

WHO YA GONNA CALL?

It amazes me how many "ghost hunter" shows there are on TV these days, considering that they never find anything conclusive. They generally consist of a bunch of Cockney con artists (or other reliable sources) reacting to nothing while bathed in eerie infrared light.

"What's that?" one will say, glowing red eyes looking around furtively.

"My God! It's 5 degrees colder in the basement than it was in the kitchen!" says the second. Before the audience can figure out that's perfectly normal another one says "Did you see that light streak? Let's show the replay!" Which they do, and yes there is a light streak, but it could be anything from a reflection to bad camera work.

And, of course, there's the recordings:

"Okay, we left the recorder here overnight, let's see what it picked up!"

Recorder: HISSSSSSS blurble HISSSSSSSS"

"Did you hear that? It clearly said "I died in 1936!"

So, being naturally skeptical, we did some research on the paranormal. We had questions; what are ghosts? Why do they stay on this Earthly plane? Do they get a senior discount?

Here are some actual cases that may prove the existence of ghosts:

In 1968 Merle Crowder of Bassmouth, Florida bought a house that had previously been a mortuary, slaughterhouse, slave market, brothel and used car lot. Oh yes, it was also the scene of the infamous Bassmouth Manatee Massacre, which needs no introduction. When his family moved in strange things started to happen. They thought it was haunted, but no one believed them. Except the neighbors, who burned the house down.

On a bleak December day in 1973 Thor Mucilage of Muncie, Indiana killed his entire family with a rolled up copy of Vanity Fair. Since then, no one in Muncie can read Vanity Fair without feeling a cold chill run down their spine. Of course, as no one in Muncie reads Vanity Fair, it's really not a problem.

Even people who don't know the dark history of Bleak Outlook Cottage in Rockport, Massachusetts feel the presence of something terribly evil when they enter. It's the owner, Peabody J. Whiffle, who no one wants to visit anyway.

Upon hearing about this story Mercy Mee of Galveston, Texas wrote to us about a strange thing that happened to her one night:

"I was strangling my husband Lars when I heard a voice saying 'Go the distance!'. I thought it was a sign, but it turned out that Field of Dreams was on TV in the other room. But I figured 'what the Hell', and finished the job. I've never been bothered by evil spirits since! Of course, I never was before, Lars just had to go."

The people of Starkweather, Maine tell the story of a strange light that they see in the sky at night. After driving all that way to investigate, it turned out to be the lights of Portland some sixty miles away. Ah, that dry Yankee humor!

Undeterred, we then traveled to that hotbed of ghostly activity, Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. That terrible battle in July of 1863 saw over 50,000 soldiers dead, wounded or missing. Many think this terrible suffering makes Gettysburg one of the most haunted places in America. Local resident Otto Salmon spends much of his time roaming the battlefields in search of ghosts. He has many stories to tell. We met him at the Wailing Pickett Tavern for drinks.

"Yep", he said, "I've seen things, heard things, felt things you can't imagine!" He took a deep draw from his bucket of scotch and leaned over. "Once, I clearly saw the ghost of General Ulysses S. Grant walking across Little Round Top!"

We pointed out to him that General Grant was nowhere near Gettysburg during the battle. He was adamant.

"It was Grant, alright! He looked right at me! Or should I say... through me!"

We assured him he shouldn't and let him go on, as we could write off the bar tab on our taxes.

"And another time a column of Union troops marched right through my rutabaga patch!"

We pointed out that according to the local papers it was a group of Civil War reenactors (the 28th Massachusetts specifically, but you didn't hear it from me) and that they were merely lost. Once again, he was adamant.

"This place is lousy with ghosts! If they could vote Abe Lincoln would still be in the White House!" With that he passed out in the nachos.

So, are you convinced? The next time you hear a creak when no one's there, see a fleeting motion out of the corner of your eye or see a strange light in the woods at night, ask yourself, "What am I doing in the woods this time of night?"

I'm going with UFO abduction.

EMOTIONAL CHAOS ARCHIVES

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